Brent and I just returned from an intimate time with his siblings after the sudden passing of our Brother-in-Law. Walking so closely with my beloved sister-in-law through those first days without him brought my own grief back in a profound way. This time, though, I was on the other side of it. It felt fresh, but thirteen years later the fog had lifted and I could think clearly and see things with an eternal filter. She expressed deep gratitude to me for coming alongside her so willingly despite the pain it rekindled in me. It was a profound privilege. My prayer is that my insights during that time will provide help to loved ones just beginning a grief journey together. Every individual who is grieving a profound loss like this processes in their own very unique way and the journey changes from day to day. Glean what you can from our experiences and listen intently to the Holy Spirit who is our Counselor and Healer. Above all, LISTEN.

1. Everything is different now. This life we are learning to live is not what we chose and we’re not the same.
2. We don’t have answers to all of our own questions and are probably not ready to respond to questions from others.
3. It is normal and expected to have very little capacity to know what day it is, what time it is, or even what we want or need. Giving space, grace, and time is valued and important.
4. We want to remember, but sometimes it’s too painful. Please ask first if we’d like to hear a thought or story about my loved one.
5. Please know that your presence is appreciated but understand that grief sucks the life and energy out of us. Our hospitality will return, but for now your help and care are needed.
6. Grief also affects our appetites. Sometimes we’re hungry and sometimes the heaviness of our emotions distract us from our felt needs. If you’re wanting certain meals or have special food/drink preferences, please bring what you need and offer to prepare or grab a meal for us.
7. Please forgive us for the times we don’t seem social and need space to cry or process. We may seem distant, quiet, or angry. That is all normal and the wave of grief will eventually pass and we’ll engage again.
8. The fact that you are here is evidence of your love for us – and our love and gratitude for you. We are working on giving grace to each other and ask for that from you if we are prickly sometimes.
9. Above all, walk alongside us and listen as we grieve ______ ‘s absence. Please listen without advice unless we ask for it. Your loving presence is more than enough.

“The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing … not healing, not curing… that is a friend who cares”. — Henri Nouwen

Job 42:11 (NIV): “All his brothers and sisters and everyone who had known him before came and ate with him in his house. They comforted and consoled him over all the trouble the LORD had brought on him…”