Note the zebras in the background.  No, we don’t have a new album being released. J

This morning I had one of those “ah-ha” moments that I immediately knew I had to share.  It was JUST in the nick of time.  I just surfaced from riding THROUGH another wave of grief this last weekend.  Thank you for your prayers as the water gets rough for the next few weeks as I remember walking through “the valley of the shadow of Death” with my beloved last year, leading up to the anniversary of his Home-going on the 16th.  I have been praying – and asking others to pray – that God would reveal Himself in new ways to me so that I can take the trauma thoughts captive and replace them with revelations of His presence in my journey.  This is ONE of the answers…

I just started the devotional, Embracing Eternity by LaHaye and Jenkins.  The passage for the day was Jonah 1:3-17.  The authors asked this question, “What is the one thing in your life that you couldn’t imagine God asking you to do or to give up?”  It went on to say, “Surely he wouldn’t ask you to give up a career that you’ve worked so hard to develop. You can’t imagine that he would ask you to do mission work in Africa.  Do you think he’d ever take you away from your family?  Or worse yet, take your family away from you?”

It was THEN that I realized that my life is the stuff of people’s worst nightmares.  Just over 10 years ago (in October of 2003), I prayed THIS prayer as I sat in Kampala Pentecostal Church in Uganda, Africa, “Lord, don’t make me stay here.”  Chris sat right next to me praying THIS prayer, “Lord, don’t make me leave.” Since that day, and through these years of preparation, training, giving everything away, surrendering it all, moving our family to a place we had never been, and releasing the love of my life into the arms of Jesus, God’s powerful presence has carried me.  I knew that, but I saw it in a new light today.

Yes, I am LIVING my worst nightmare, MOST people’s worst-case-scenario…. and thriving. 

I hear and read so many messages spoken by the faithful about how God delivers those who believe and trust in Him.  They are true, based on verses in the Bible, REAL accounts of miracles.  They bring hope and spur people on to do bold things for God.  The problem is, God doesn’t always deliver us in ways that we WANT Him to.  He is Sovereign and sees the big picture.  So, what do you say to FAITHFUL, BELIEVING, PRAYING people like me whose husband wasn’t healed on THIS side of Heaven?  Did my God let me down and turn His back for just long enough that my whole life slipped down the drain?  Did I not trust and believe enough?  Did Chris do something that doomed him to unanswered prayer?  NO!!!  God ANSWERED our prayers, just not according to our earth-loving nature.  My “Heaven eyes” have been opened.  For Christ-followers, death is not defeat.  “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints.”  Psalm 116:15

I am living proof that “in ALL things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to HIS purpose.”  Romans 8:28

Don’t add any exceptions to that statement.  I tell my students, “ALL means ALL.”  God has worked for the GOOD in my life and I praise Him in the midst of my worst nightmare.  Only a powerful, loving, merciful, and ETERNAL Father can save, minister, heal, and use the broken and weak for His glory.  I can say of the Lord, HE IS GOOD.  His mercies are new EVERY morning. 

My prayer for myself and my children – and my challenge to you – is that we will not only notice the miracles that happen neatly, just as you imagined they should, but that we will seek God NO MATTER the circumstances, TRUSTING AND BELIEVING that He is working on our behalf, for HIS glory, and according to His ETERNAL plan.

Missing Chris hurts and, as Duane says, “I’m mad sometimes that I only have one parent.”  However, because of GOD in our lives, I can say that living my worst what-ifs holds peace, hope, deliverance, and even joy like I never believed there would be.  Here’s a list of GOOD things He has worked so that you can join me in my praise:

• Chris is completely healed, whole, and HOME where we ALL belong, leaving an amazing legacy and a bit of himself in each one of us.
• I have a quiver full of kids (some of them grown!) who keep me busy and hold me accountable to live what I say. God has enabled and allowed me to continue serving Him in Africa and I LOVE teaching at RVA.
• Julia is loving college at Biola and is surrounded by amazing, supportive, and fun friends who “get” her and family who “catch” her when she needs them.
• Olivia has the answers to her heart’s desire and earnest prayers to graduate from RVA this year – and the date AND dress of her dreams for the formal! J
• Jed is building great relationships here and is supported by GUYS who are reaching out to him and care about him.
• Silly is healing with the help of two bunnies and a duck – AND doing awesome in Junior High!
• Joseph loves his teacher, can’t sleep with excitement EVERY night because he loves P.E. and playing “tennis baseball” so much at school. He also had his dream to visit Amani Baby Cottage come true this last December.
• Duane has friends that are SO good that he sometimes doesn’t even show up until dinner. He has a wonderful teacher who knows what to do with the “messy” situations that come up.
• Both of our extended families are closer than we’ve ever been, seeking God for comfort and clinging to each other with new honesty and deeper love.
• We have a long list of supporters who keep us on the field and serving as “tools” for the greater mission of God in Africa. What a privilege to represent you among the Nations!

No matter our “what-ifs,” God already knows them and is working it all out for the good.  Seek the good.  Rebuke the lie that the only “good” answers are found in staying in THIS world, safe and unscathed.  He’s much bigger than that. 

Because He is WORTHY,

Michelle, for all of us